Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Feeling Selfish
This week I have been spending a lot of time reflection on how I spend my time. If you look at my calendar, nearly every weekend has some sort of commitment all the way through graduation, and it is only February. On campus, I am involved in only a few things, but they are things that take a lot of time. My courses are very involved this semester, but that is what comes with taking 2 capstone courses. Needless to say, I am overbooked, yet again, when I thought I was not going to be. I love everything I am doing, but I am beginning to feel drained. Also, my involvements are negatively impacting my relationships with people that I care about which is something that is very upsetting to me. Ultimately, I feel selfish. I don't think it is acceptable that I can run and do all of what is important to me to the point that I cannot be there for people that care about me and people that I care about. Relationships are two way streets and I need to do my part. I am ultimately searching for balance and hopefully I can find it before I lose more relationships.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
#NoMoreTears
*Deep breath in*
This week has easily been the biggest emotional roller coaster that I have been on in a long time and if you know me, you know that I cry at the drop of a hat - especially when I am tired. Currently as I type this, I can feel the beginnings of tears, but seeing as the title of this is about not crying, I am going to try to reel it in.
*Deep breath out*
This weekend started off wonderfully with easily one of the best Valentine's Days I have ever had. I ate brunch with my closest girl friends in our pajamas and we all prepared a dish. I made my first ever real thing (as in food) and was pretty proud of myself. When I went back to my building, I saw that Trent had left me flowers and chocolates. I had never been given flowers before and I felt very cared for and special. Though I spent the afternoon working on homework, I was happy because I was actually accomplishing something for my research which had been giving me anxiety. That night Trent picked me up and we had an early dinner at Salt 88 (which I highly recommend), then watched one of our favorite movies (Silver Lining's Playbook), and ended the night by playing drinking games. Trent taught me a new one (Beer Die) and while I was frustrated because I was losing, it was actually really fun. Needless to say, my Valentine's Day was everything I could have asked for it to be and I was incredibly joyful.
*Deep breath in*
The next day is when the roller-coaster hit a bit of a low point. I had to have a challenging conversation with someone I care about that made me question a lot of things about what it means to care for someone and made me feel ultimately insecure which is something I haven't felt in a long time. I am hoping and feeling that things are on the up and up, but only time will tell and my impatience is rather unhelpful.
*Deep breath out*
Tuesday I was given the wonderful news that my first choice position for post-graduate service has offered me a position for next year. I immediately accepted and so much pressure was finally taken off of my shoulders. I am blessed to be able to do something that I know will challenge me as a person and help me grow and I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to work for the Mercy Home for Boys and Girls next year.
*Deep breath in*
Finally Wednesday I had to say goodbye to my brother (and best friend) as he moved to New York to pursue his lifelong dream of acting and directing. While I am immensely proud of him, I feel a lot of sadness because my go-to person is no longer here. We will obviously still talk and now I have a fun place to visit, but getting used to his absence will take some getting used to.
*Deep breath out*
In the midst of all of this, it is really difficult to not be overly emotional. It is not yet noon and I have felt like crying for both happy and sad reasons at least four times. I know that these incredibly intense emotions will subside eventually, but for now I am concentrating on no more tears.
*Deep breath in*
I have a lot to look forward to this weekend: senior bar crawl for Kappa, ice-skating with my sisters, seeing the service trip movie premier, and watching the Oscars. I don't want to put a damper on these events with tears so for now, I will just keep breathing and hoping for a little bit of solitude and peace.
*Deep breath out*
This week has easily been the biggest emotional roller coaster that I have been on in a long time and if you know me, you know that I cry at the drop of a hat - especially when I am tired. Currently as I type this, I can feel the beginnings of tears, but seeing as the title of this is about not crying, I am going to try to reel it in.
*Deep breath out*
This weekend started off wonderfully with easily one of the best Valentine's Days I have ever had. I ate brunch with my closest girl friends in our pajamas and we all prepared a dish. I made my first ever real thing (as in food) and was pretty proud of myself. When I went back to my building, I saw that Trent had left me flowers and chocolates. I had never been given flowers before and I felt very cared for and special. Though I spent the afternoon working on homework, I was happy because I was actually accomplishing something for my research which had been giving me anxiety. That night Trent picked me up and we had an early dinner at Salt 88 (which I highly recommend), then watched one of our favorite movies (Silver Lining's Playbook), and ended the night by playing drinking games. Trent taught me a new one (Beer Die) and while I was frustrated because I was losing, it was actually really fun. Needless to say, my Valentine's Day was everything I could have asked for it to be and I was incredibly joyful.
*Deep breath in*
The next day is when the roller-coaster hit a bit of a low point. I had to have a challenging conversation with someone I care about that made me question a lot of things about what it means to care for someone and made me feel ultimately insecure which is something I haven't felt in a long time. I am hoping and feeling that things are on the up and up, but only time will tell and my impatience is rather unhelpful.
*Deep breath out*
Tuesday I was given the wonderful news that my first choice position for post-graduate service has offered me a position for next year. I immediately accepted and so much pressure was finally taken off of my shoulders. I am blessed to be able to do something that I know will challenge me as a person and help me grow and I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to work for the Mercy Home for Boys and Girls next year.
*Deep breath in*
Finally Wednesday I had to say goodbye to my brother (and best friend) as he moved to New York to pursue his lifelong dream of acting and directing. While I am immensely proud of him, I feel a lot of sadness because my go-to person is no longer here. We will obviously still talk and now I have a fun place to visit, but getting used to his absence will take some getting used to.
*Deep breath out*
In the midst of all of this, it is really difficult to not be overly emotional. It is not yet noon and I have felt like crying for both happy and sad reasons at least four times. I know that these incredibly intense emotions will subside eventually, but for now I am concentrating on no more tears.
*Deep breath in*
I have a lot to look forward to this weekend: senior bar crawl for Kappa, ice-skating with my sisters, seeing the service trip movie premier, and watching the Oscars. I don't want to put a damper on these events with tears so for now, I will just keep breathing and hoping for a little bit of solitude and peace.
*Deep breath out*
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Boardwalks - Little May
This song just caught me off guard today and I am playing it on repeat. Below are the lyrics.
Somebody swore me you were leaving town,
I swear I never thought you'd be the one who'd let me down,
Fold this part,
Unfold this part.
Sticking to the walls sticking to this one way street,
You could never run but you said you'd run with me,
Hold this heart,
Hold this heart.
And I will not fall hard this time.
Cause' we are not afraid of who we are but of what we have become,
And we are not afraid of what's to be when this road has just begun,
So we will turn our backs and close the doors for the last time,
Give me back what's mine.
Somebody swore me you were leaving town,
I swear I never thought you'd be the one who'd let me down,
Fold this part,
Unfold this part.
Sticking to the walls sticking to this one way street,
You could never run but you said you'd run with me,
Hold this heart,
Hold this heart.
And I will not fall hard this time.
Cause' we are not afraid of who we are but of what we have become,
And we are not afraid of what's to be when this road has just begun,
So we will turn our backs and close the doors for the last time,
Give me back what's mine.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
The Weekend that Felt Like a Year
To say that this last weekend was insane would be an understatement. My weekend was full of beautiful and exciting moments and was also in preparation for my future after graduation.
For starters, Friday was my last date party in Kappa Kappa Gamma as an active member. Thankfully I am thinking of that now and I didn't think of it then because that would have been waterworks central. Our theme was "Can't Be Tamed" and Trent and I went as turtles - they cannot be tamed so don't judge. Also, being a turtle is so much harder than it looks. I now understand why they move so slowly. Anyway, the date party was such a blast and I am glad that we were able to end our date party career on a high note.
The next day was my induction into Alpha Sigma Nu, a Jesuit Honor Society and supposedly one of the highest distinctions I can get as an undergrad. It was fancy. I had to stand and get a certificate and listen to a bunch of speeches. Fancy cheese cubes were served afterwards and it was overall a great ceremony. My family and Trent came to support me which was very cool and made me feel so loved. Being invited to join Alpha Sigma Nu has been one of my goals since my freshman year when I heard about it and to have been given this experience is something that I will be forever grateful for.
Sunday and Monday I traveled to Chicago for an interview for my dream volunteer position. I hadn't flown in nearly two years (yes I still drive everywhere) so that was cool to kind of do everything on my own. I then navigated the el (L?) in Chicago on my own for the first time and while I literally got on and off and that was it, I thought I was pretty cool. Also, I really love public transportation. I sat for an hour on the train, listened to music, and just people watched the entire time. Everyone on the train has their own story and is going to their own destination and I just want to know more.
Overall my experience in Chicago was great. I loved being able to enter the current volunteer community for a short time and see the neighborhood where I will potentially be living. While I feel confident, I will not know if I have the job for about 2-4 weeks so I'll keep you posted.
Throughout this whirlwind of a weekend, I have been reminded of how immeasurably blessed I am to have so much support in my life. Massive thank yous to Jeff Peak, Carissa Hernandes, Love Wallace, Mr. Ault, and Sunni Renner for writing me countless letters of recommendation, to Trent for taking me to and from the air port and surprising me with a 5 pound bag of pretzels upon my return, and to my friends and family for always believing in me. Yes this is a sappy post, but I mean every last word. I wouldn't be where I am without you.
Life is good and I am happy :)
For starters, Friday was my last date party in Kappa Kappa Gamma as an active member. Thankfully I am thinking of that now and I didn't think of it then because that would have been waterworks central. Our theme was "Can't Be Tamed" and Trent and I went as turtles - they cannot be tamed so don't judge. Also, being a turtle is so much harder than it looks. I now understand why they move so slowly. Anyway, the date party was such a blast and I am glad that we were able to end our date party career on a high note.
The next day was my induction into Alpha Sigma Nu, a Jesuit Honor Society and supposedly one of the highest distinctions I can get as an undergrad. It was fancy. I had to stand and get a certificate and listen to a bunch of speeches. Fancy cheese cubes were served afterwards and it was overall a great ceremony. My family and Trent came to support me which was very cool and made me feel so loved. Being invited to join Alpha Sigma Nu has been one of my goals since my freshman year when I heard about it and to have been given this experience is something that I will be forever grateful for.
Sunday and Monday I traveled to Chicago for an interview for my dream volunteer position. I hadn't flown in nearly two years (yes I still drive everywhere) so that was cool to kind of do everything on my own. I then navigated the el (L?) in Chicago on my own for the first time and while I literally got on and off and that was it, I thought I was pretty cool. Also, I really love public transportation. I sat for an hour on the train, listened to music, and just people watched the entire time. Everyone on the train has their own story and is going to their own destination and I just want to know more.
Overall my experience in Chicago was great. I loved being able to enter the current volunteer community for a short time and see the neighborhood where I will potentially be living. While I feel confident, I will not know if I have the job for about 2-4 weeks so I'll keep you posted.
Throughout this whirlwind of a weekend, I have been reminded of how immeasurably blessed I am to have so much support in my life. Massive thank yous to Jeff Peak, Carissa Hernandes, Love Wallace, Mr. Ault, and Sunni Renner for writing me countless letters of recommendation, to Trent for taking me to and from the air port and surprising me with a 5 pound bag of pretzels upon my return, and to my friends and family for always believing in me. Yes this is a sappy post, but I mean every last word. I wouldn't be where I am without you.
Life is good and I am happy :)
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